5 Signs Its Lust and Not Love

The initial stages of any attraction is  Lust. Its the liking towards the curves, body and the dream to sleep with the person which drives you into pursuing  the person  you are attracted to. You might think its love, but it’s actually Lust. Lust magnifies the  physical activity and does not take care of the emotional part of any relationship. And once the Lust wears of its shine, the relationship  also wears off.

“Lust is a mysterious wound in the side of humanity; or rather, at the very source of its life! To confound this lust in man with that desire which unites the sexes is like confusing a tumor with the very organ which it devours, a tumor whose very deformity horribly reproduces the shape. Georges Bernanos”

However real love is beyond all the physical attraction and the desire to mate. It is the emotional connection one finds with another person, the meeting of the heart, the willingness to do anything to make the other person happy.

So what are the key signs which  indicates that the relationship which you think is LOVE is actually LUST.

  1. You always dressed to impress your partner. Dressed impeccably, polished shoes, following the latest trends, and always looking to impress your partner with your fashion sense is a sure sign that the relationship you are in is Lustful. Women put on the perfect make up, wear clothes which highlight their body. Men are well groomed and in their best suit. The reason is that you don’t want your partner to see you otherwise. The relationship is superficial.

2. Find shortage of topics to talk about. When your mind is always focused on SEX, then you don’t have many topics to speak about.  There is no sharing of feelings, dreams and the problems you are facing. In fact you are uncomfortable sharing this with your partner. The relationship has not reached a point where sharing of feelings and thoughts are normal. When it comes to Love , the emotional connect is important. Lust is just a shallow relationship focused only one thing.

3. It does not accept imperfections. Lust magnifies  only the goodness in the person and disregards the imperfections in a person. Since you put the person you desire on a pedestal , you feel that person can do no wrong. However when you are truly in love, you accept the persons imperfections. You accept the fact that they can be wrong sometimes. Its this realization which makes love blossom. You don’t care about the physical relationship, but what lies inside the person beyond the appearance.  That is what True love is. Otherwise it is Lust

4. Majority of Your time together is spent on making love.  Since there is very less conversation time, most of the time is spent on being physically intimate.All the activities you do end up in only one thing , i.e. Sex. Most of the time in such kind of relationship Sex is the only way they expressed their feelings. Most the memories of your relationship don’t go beyond your bedroom. That’s the place you spend most of the time.  You don’t go on dates or any public space.

5. No plans for future. In a lustful relationship you will tell the person how beautiful  they are, but when it comes to commitment, you are tight lipped. You have not thought about the future—Kids, House, Sharing money.

The fact remains that  a relationship based on Lust has a very short shelf life. Once the physical aspect wears out and the bed is broken , the relationship is also broken.

My Learnings after Posting 51 Blog Posts in WordPress.com

All this writing about Anger , Lust , Greed and Hatred and given me few realizations:

1 . We as human beings are good by nature.

2. Our Mind is true by nature.

3. All the afflictive emotions like Lust, Greed, Hatred and Anger are temporary by nature

4. All afflictive emotions exaggerate things or situations more than what it is meant to be.

5. Mind and aflictive states can be altered at will.

6. Reversal of emotions works as a Antidote. If the reaction to being angry situation is calmness then it helps you.

7. There is lot of regret for all the actions we do when we are angry. The reason is because we are good human beings by nature

8. No religion promotes hatred

9.All great men have become great by taming their anger. Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson mandela and Dalai Lama to name a few.

10. Being compassionate is the new world order

Lust and Hatred: Emotions Not part of Normal State of Mind

Afflictive Emotions like Lust and Emotions are not part of the normal state of mind. All the faulty states of mind are mistaken at their root. But the non afflictive emotions are not mistakes and operate even when there is no mistaken belief in the independent existence.

Positive emotions like Love and Compassion need no assistance to survive in our mind despite the ignorance which misconceives objects as existing in and of themselves whereas non virtuous attitudes such as hatred, pride and so forth are generated only with the assistance and support of ignorance. Without the misunderstanding of the nature of things, there is no way that lust and hatred can operate.

Good emotions draw favorable things to us, but bad emotions brings disaster as it operates under the misconception of things. It also makes us prejudiced towards the thing/ object or person we desire. Even slightest interference towards this can bring emotions like anger.

Similarly hatred is mistaken to be integral to the mind, it is not, it is an attitude without valid support. Compassion on the other hand is founded in truth. When over a long period of time an attitude that has a valid foundation competes with the one that does not, the one with valid foundation will overwhelm the other. This is why when you become accustomed to correct attitudes through practice faulty attitudes will finally diminish until finally they are extinguished.

Negative and Positive emotions cannot co exist in our Mind

Dharmakīrti (ca. 7th century), was an Indian scholar and one of the Buddhist founders of Indian philosophical logic. He was one of the primary theorists of Buddhist atomism, according to which the only items considered to exist are momentary Buddhist atoms and states of consciousness . When it comes to the mind Dharmakriti said ” The nature of this mind is clear light. Defilements are Superficial”

What it means is that the mind is pure in its form. All other afflictive emotions like Lust, Greed, Anger, Hatred are just emotions which are formed based on our ignorance that our presence in this world is permanent. The mind in its pure form is referred by Dharmakriti as mind of clear light.. When we are born, we are enlightened by nature and equipped with the tools to reach the state of complete harmony of mind. We also have some level of compassion and the intelligence that distinguishes between favorable and unfavorable. If these elements of the mind can be developed then this can become the basis of transformation.

The problem with negative emotions is there is no external means of removing it, unlike a thorn which pierces you. To remove the negative motions , we must clearly see the mistaken beliefs on which is it based. Once we learn these negative emotions do not agree with our basic mental well being, then we can develop antidotes to remove them.

All the negative emotions like Lust, Greed, Hatred need conditions to exist. For e.g. When you sneeze right now, you cannot be angry. Once the condition does not exist, then there will be no negative emotions. The fact remains that negative attitudes or emotions can be separated from the main mind.

At times we might hold on to negative emotions like anger and attachment and other times our mind manifests into detachment and contentment. We cannot feel positive and negative emotions to an object or person at the same time. We have these feelings at different times and even in rapid succession but never at the same time. This clearly shows that positive and negative emotions cannot coexist. They oppose each other and when one increases in strength other decreases.

Appearance Vs Reality The Conflict Within

Ignorance leads to exaggeration of the truth. It is the same exaggeration which leads us to overvalue beauty, ugliness materialistic gains which leads to lust, hatred and jealousy. It is important to understand that this ignorant conception that the phenomena exists within its own right is also mistaken. There is no valid foundation to this belief. It is important to understand that everything and any circumstances are interdependent.

When you cultivate this insight you will no longer be susceptible to counterproductive emotions. When you get to these deeper understanding , you start developing concern for others and will not be rushed into responses of exaggerated responses. You will take time to probe into what lies beneath the surface.

All of the above ensures that we will treat circumstances, objects or people not by their appearances, but see them like a illusion rather than being under harmful emotions like lust or anger.

The fact remains that things are not as they appear to m. The fact remains that sources of pain might first appear as sources of pleasure, but in the end they are not. In the end this brings us pain. Although in reality we want happiness, in our ignorance we dont know how to achieve it and although we dont want pain, we misunderstand its workings and end up contributing to its causes.

This is similar to watching a magician performing tricks, we are lead to believe that the objects are not as it seems to be. The magician makes us believe that the objects are cars , dogs or horses or as he wants us to see it. In a similar way by judging things, objects or people by its appearances, we exaggerate things than what they seem to be. The situation leads us into demonstrating negative emotions like lust, greed or hatred. The situation developed because of our inability to see things or situation deeply and not look at only the surface of it.

Because our destructive emotions of Lust, Anger or Hatred starts from us accepting the appearance of inflated qualities of good or bad, the practice of seeing people or objects as a Magicians illusion will ensure that we look at things more deeply and help reduce unfavorable emotions.

When you do this, we will leave room to positive qualities like compassion, which is built on seeing things as they really are and not on ignorant exaggeration.